tired,

of covid-19,

of politics,

tired of the lost souls,

both literal,

and figuratively,

tired of masks,

and lockdowns,

tired of worrying,

about nurses and teachers,

and students,

and patients,

and vaccines,

and liars,

and cheats,

guess I am tired,

of almost everything.. . . .

Opinion : What is of value?

     Many of the beliefs I have valued my entire life, seem to no longer have value. I valued character, honesty, integrity, compassion, these traits no longer have value. . . . But value does seem to exist in the ability to lie, cheat, steal, and abuse the weak.

     I valued my Catholic faith, still do, but I no longer can truly say I value the Catholic Church. We have a Pope who is by all measures an awful Pope. Not because he is an awful human being, or misguided, or anything else. He is an awful Pope, because he evidently doesn't value the Catholic faith, or the Church. It is questionable that he believes in the doctrines of the Catholic Church, doesn't respect the  values of the Catholic Church. So why would he want to be head of a church he doesn't believe in ? Maybe to highlight and make the church value, the things he believes in. The main problem with that is, that the Catholic  Church and Faith, are only supposed to value the things God values, and spoke of valuing through the scriptures and the ages. The Catholic Church, the institutional church, lost those values long, long ago. Long before they shut down the Mass during the pandemic . . .the mass evidently doesn't have much value during a pandemic . . .

     How about politics, do I value my politics, my nation, and the Constitution. Yes I do. But once again, it seems these things are valued less and less. Was the Constitution wrong all these years? Was America wrong? I don't think so, if you valued things like character, honesty, integrity and compassion, but since those things are no longer of value, maybe it is time for a new Constitution, a re-making of America. I know how it will end, and it isn't good, but if we as a nation are not going to value the freedoms and beliefs found in the Constitution, I am afraid things aren't going to work anyway.

    How about my health, do I value my health? Yes, I do, but during these times, my health, is no longer my health, and my body is no longer my body, and my life is no longer my life. People now believe they can tell me how to live, because they have been told I am a threat to them, and their health. They  are willing to cancel everything in their lives, waiting and hoping for a vaccine and brighter times  and my actions are a threat to them, while they hope for brighter days ahead. The truth is, no day, can replace another. And to believe that, devalues the gift that is today. Existence on this earth is about life and death . . .probably 1/2 to 2/3 of the world's population, understood this long before this pandemic. They knew some of them would die of hunger, thirst, and abuse everyday,   that was a reality. During this pandemic, we in America have been shown it is a reality, that a small, small percentage of us will die from this virus. This reality of death, is something, much of the world's population has and had to live with daily, and look how we react this reality. It is like we are misers. The only lives we value are our own, and our loved ones. We don't worry about the truckers, or cashiers, or shop clerks getting the virus, but we and our loved ones aren't going to get it. Time has no value, so we will hide and avoid each other, and just replace the days, with others days, after this pandemic is over. Sorry folks, it doesn't work that way. Values change, and while we lock ourselves away, character changes, compassion changes, love and caring changes . . .So what do I have to value now, if anything . . . Well, I guess I have my broken-ness to value, and the promise that if I agree to His terms, Jesus Christ will help me mend my broken-ness, and quite frankly that seems the only thing of value I have left during these times . . . . .It is what I value.

Flowers in the Rain

Flowers in the rain,

sodden and sad,

hope springs eternal,

emotions rage constantly,

as if a summer thunderstorm,

like any other normal day.

October Paintings

Gospel of Doug: Lesson Ten

       Whenever I read scripture, I am always amazed how sometimes, I see the scriptures in a new light. Today, I was reading Genesis and read it in a new light. When I read the verses about the fall of man, I realized, the logic behind the argument Satan used to trick Eve, is the same argument we face in our own time. Satan didn't start out talking of the fruit, and how good it tasted, or looked. He started out with the argument that eating the fruit would be good for the COMMUNITY OF MEN, for the COMMON GOOD. Eat the fruit and humanity, will become like Gods. Man will gain knowledge. Defy God, and we become Gods, ourselves. Satan argued God is keeping this fruit from us, because He is trying to keep us ignorant. Eat the fruit and we will be able to become better people, and we will be able to help people define good and define evil. Think about how many times this same argument has been used, down through the ages. It may seem wrong to question God, or defy God, but it is ok, because it is done for the common good. We seemingly  still do not understand how to answer this argument, thousands of years later. In this time of Covid-19, by this argument, we are ignorant if we put our trust in God. No, instead we should put our trust in ourselves . . we must, for the COMMON GOOD. Close the churches, don't pray, don't ask God for help, instead place our troubles before science and let science give the final answers to this problem. Don't listen to God, and what he is telling us, instead listen only to the experts and the science . . .

       In the Sunday Gospel today, the parable was about a king, who gave a wedding feast for his son, but no one came to the feast. So eventually the King invited anyone and everyone his servants could find on the street to the wedding feast. But when the King came to the feast he saw someone not dressed or prepared to celebrate the feast properly. He had the person bound and thrown out into the darkness. I believe this message, ties back into the experience of Mankind's fall from grace. If we are not willing to accept the responsibility of the invitation to the feast, and listen to and trust God, then maybe we should not be at the feast. The same way, if we were not going to follow God's rules and trust in God, we were not allowed to remain in Eden, nor will we be allowed to remain in the Kingdom of God.

 . . .Love and Prayers.

The Gospel of Doug: Lesson Nine

The Gospel at mass Sunday, was the story, where the owner of a vineyard sent his servants and they got beat up, and the owner sent his son, assuming his son would be respected but instead his son is killed because the renters want the vineyard. . .The priest talked of rejection in his sermon because the rest of the text, talked about Jesus being the cornerstone the builders rejected. I understand the Gospel was about rejection, but the thing that touched me, and made me want to write this week, is disrespect or the lack of respect in the parable. We know the vineyard was Israel, and the owner God, and Jesus was his son. But what hit home to me, in being presented with the gospel, was the lack of respect we show Jesus in our culture, at this place and time. We have turned His name, in to a cuss word, or word for surprise or even excitement. Don't know how many times I hear kids say His name that way, or see it on a video on the internet. Which brings me to another form of usage I find disrespectful, and that are these posts where you are supposed to stop scrolling and write something, to prove you had stopped, because Jesus is important you or you believe in Him. I might be wrong, but I do find that lacking respect for the person of Jesus. But I see disrespect every where, and maybe it is just me.  Jesus's life is disrespected by clergy, projecting Him as a free loving hippie, in love with everyone, expecting nothing and demanding nothing in return, Even many times if we have a relationship with Him the relationship with Him is even disrespectful. It seems we are always told to ask Him for help or whatever we need in our lives. But do we ever ask what we can do for Him. Jesus Christ expected and assumed we would be respectful enough to know about His life, and read scripture, and understand our duties in our relationship with Him.  Yet, we don't, we rely on others telling us what our relationship should be, and telling us, they know just how Jesus Christ thought or acted, even when what they are telling us, is in direct defiance of Scripture. You want to respect Jesus, then pray, not asking for anything, but thanking Him for what He has already given you. Ask Him into your life, not just your Sundays. And read scripture, and take ownership of your relationship with Jesus Christ. Understand what is expected of you in the relationship . .it is all there in scripture . .Let's try to quit disrespecting Jesus Christ, and God the Father, it is the least we can do, and ask forgiveness, every day, and every hour . . . .relying on His love . . . . .  amen.

Gospel of Doug: What to Do?

Many times attempting to lead a Christian life we have to make decisions about the different paths we will take in our life. Scriptures state if we are humble in our faith, God will help us with our decisions. I think lots of times we worry more about what others will think our decisions, than taking the time to reflect on the decision we should make in the first place. In the Gospel, a father asked his two sons to work in his vineyard. One of the sons said no, than he went and worked, and the other son said yes, and then he didn't work in the father's vineyard. One of the lessons I get out of these scriptures is; if we make a bad decision we always have the ability to revisit a bad decision. God allows us to revisit bad decisions. In my case, I think sometimes I may be too proud to revisit a bad decision, because of how it will look to other people. The other lesson I got from these scriptures is that if you are humble, God will help you make a good decision, and help you revisit bad decisions. Being humble to me, means being flexible, and keep checking back with the Lord about the decisions we make. God really wants us to be successful, but being successful is up to us, if we are not humble enough to put God first, than the likelihood of success decreases accordingly.

Lesson Eight

Bridge and Sunset

Gospel of Doug: Relationship with Others

First Reading:  Ezekiel 33:7-9 Thus says the LORD: You, son of man, I have appointed watchman for the house of Israel; when you hear me say anything, you shall warn them for me.  IF I tell the wicked, “O wicked one, you shall surely die,” and you do not speak out to dissuade the wicked from his way, the wicked shall die for his guilt, but I will hold you responsible for his death.  But if you warn the wicked, trying to turn him from his way, and he refuses to turn from his way, he shall die for his guilt, but you shall save yourself. 

-----------------------------

    This was one of the readings for Mass Sept. 6, 2020, it is always a reading which makes me a bit uncomfortable, and I find myself wanting to raise my hand and complain. It is hard enough to attempt to live  good Christian life myself, and save myself, and yet I am going be held responsible for someone else's wicked ways. And if in a sense, if I don't speak out, I basically risk my relationship with God.  Aren't we told not to judge others, we have no idea what they are going through, nor do we know what their relationship with God is, maybe they believe they have a good relationship with God, and maybe they do, maybe they even have a better relationship with God than I do. For me, this reading or command, always seems like a catch-22. First we have to decide who is wicked. Am I wicked? Yes, probably sometimes I am. How would I feel about someone approaching me, and speaking out on my actions and or beliefs. I would hope I would listen, but I doubt I would, I would probably just get pissed off at the person, and maybe unfriend them on facebook. If you read the rest of  Chapter 33, it doesn't get any easier. But basically we are called to speak out for the Truth, and the Right, and what God has laid down as the law in scripture. God is asking us to stand up for Him and for His people. We should condemn abortion and homosexuality as sins, even when we seem in the minority. We must quit rationalizing everything, and take definite stands. This has nothing to do with judging, or imposing our beliefs on anyone. We are to stand for God's word. If we know His word, we will know wickedness  when we encounter it. Ultimately this is about love.  God's love for each of us, and our love for God. But that doesn't make it any easier . . . . .

Fish and Weeds

The Gospel of Doug: Relationship to God

Are souls, black, white or brown? How about male or female? Gay or Straight? Does your Nationalism, or Religion define you in the eyes of God? My answer and opinion is no, a soul is none of those things. Nor do any of those things define who you are in the eyes of God . . .One of the main reasons I believe this and say this to be true is a verse in scriptures ; Jeremiah 1:5: "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the Nations." Jeremiah was talking about himself in this verse, but I believe God was talking about His relationship to humanity in general. God knows us, our souls, before we are even formed in the womb, and I believe that is how He recognizes and builds relationship with us. How He sees our souls. God doesn't see black, white, or brown, male or female, gay or straight, American or German, or Catholic or Lutheran, He sees us in relationship to our souls. Do we use these characteristics to grow our soul, and expand our relationship to God, or do we allow these things to come between our souls and our God. Our souls are the only part of us, that are eternal, the only part that remains to define us in God's eyes. When people talk about God loving everyone, He does not love us because of the characteristics that define our earthly existence, He loves us because of the part of Him that exists in us. We can not have a true and good relationship with God, unless our souls are right, and the most important thing in our life . .Our souls are the presence of God in our lives. Our souls grow or wither in relationship to how we live our lives. Is our skin color, sex, sexuality, nationality or religion more important, or are our souls? Your relationship with God depends on this answer.

Lesson Seven

The Gospel of Doug: Happy Endings

 Last Sunday's gospel reading was the one, where Jesus tells His disciples He must go to Jerusalem and die, and Peter says no, and Jesus says, "Get behind me Satan.".  I listened to both a Catholic sermon, and an Episcopal sermon on this reading, and thought both missed the main point. I won't go into those sermons, but I will give you my thoughts on this reading.  . . .Peter is a follower of Jesus Christ, because as Jesus is the son of God, Peter believes he is backing a winner. His vision of the future, is fairy tale stuff, happy ever after stuff . . .Jesus gets mad, because Jesus knows that is not reality. Jesus doesn't promise happy endings, He promises us, life and peace, but no happy endings. Just as in our day and age now, people by the millions believe in happy endings , . . .love, and equality for everyone,  . . .Sorry but that is not reality, it will never be reality, hate will always exist, inequality will always exist. The reality isn't in the happy ending, it is in the journey, and the suffering, and sacrifice . .That is where God's work gets done, and God's love exists . . .When we give ourselves over to God, and do the crappy hard stuff.  When we have the breath and strength, and the peace of mind, to go about our jobs, and let go of the happy endings, where everything is rainbows and hugs and kisses and warm fuzzies . . .When our focus isn't longer on those times, we are finally doing God's work . . . .

Lesson Six

Racial Unrest

August 29th, 2020, I just heard a black liberal talking head on MSNBC admit to the fact, the Democratic Party has used Black America to elect Presidents for generations.   That is not new, but her theology about the Democratic Party shocked me.  . . . . She basically admitted that using race was the only way Democrats had been able to elect a president.  She started her diatribe by admitting, the last Democratic President to get a majority of the white vote, was Lyndon Baines Johnson. Carter, Clinton, and Obama, none got a majority of the white vote. Obama only got 39% of the white vote.  I was not shocked by that, but what shocked me was, her basically admitting that spreading racial unrest was how the Democratic party approached elections.  Democrats were not necessarily interested in helping blacks, only keeping them voting Democratic.  

     I realized the truth of this, when as a teacher of history, I taught about the racial history in America. The founding of America, and the Constitution, blacks were used to attain power. How?  During the writing of the Constitution, an amendment was added to count blacks as 2/3 of a person, to increase the number of citizens in states with slavery, giving those states more representatives and power. 

     After the Civil War and Blacks were freed, the Democratic Party, intimidated Blacks not to vote. They kept Blacks dependent on the Democratic Party for any of the political freedoms Blacks possessed. Democrats during the next hundred years or so, continued to create racial division and unrest. President Woodrow Wilson, a Democrat, segregated the Federal government during his two terms in office. Future Democratic presidents were more than willing to help Blacks as long as Blacks remained dependent on them. Blacks could not show any independence from the Democratic party without suffering retribution. Republicans have ignored Blacks and even been racist towards Black causes, not only because Republicans were indifferent to Black suffering, or in many cases racist, but also because that is what the Democratic Party wanted, and that is how it kept is power.  Even LBJ when passing the Civil Rights Act was looking out for the Democratic party, saying Blacks (only he didn’t say Blacks) will vote Democratic for the next two hundred years.  

     One of the ways, the Democratic Party has kept Blacks powerless, is through their policies towards the Black community. Keep the community dependent on the Democratic Party though social government handouts and keep the population weak , by keeping the population from growing. 

    Look at population numbers from the United States census. In 1970, Blacks made up 11.1% of the population, Hispanics made up 4.4%, by 1980, Blacks made up 11.7% of the population, Hispanics made up 6.4% of the population, by 1990, Blacks made up 12.1% of the population, Hispanics made up 9.0 % of the population, by 2000, Blacks made up 12.3% of the population, Hispanics 12.5% of the population. By 2010, Blacks made up 12.6.% of the population, Hispanics made up 16.3% of the population. In 2060, the year it is predicted the white population will no longer be the majority population look at the numbers . . .whites are predicted to be 46.7 %, Blacks 12.6 % and Hispanics 31.6 % of the population. 

    Blacks are losing their political power, because of the polices enforced by the democratic liberals who dominate their politics. Why do think Joe Biden, made the gaffe regarding how he saw the Black and Hispanic communities. Why do you think President Obama deported more Hispanics than any other President in modern history, and yet at the same time created DACA, (which does not solve the problem, only creates a political issue which can be exploited for decades to come.) The democratic liberals, who for decades have used the Black voting base, to get and retain power, are in the process of looking for new racial groups to continue the policy of racial unrest, all for the sake of political power. But not being in position to control the Hispanic vote, they are trying to pander to them, and create relationships with Hispanic votes. The problem being many Hispanic voters are conservative by nature. Thus in 2020, the will be an election of racial unrest . . . . otherwise, as the liberal talking head admitted, we will not win this election.

The Gospel of Doug: The Son of Man

Who is the Son of Man? Was and is He a magician, able to make our dreams come true? Or a genie?  Was and is He, a loving hippie type of personality that only wants love, peace and harmony?

      In scriptures, it is obvious He is none of these things. Jesus Christ  is God in the flesh. He appearance in the world, is an attempt to establish and explain what our relationship with God the Father should be.  His life is an example of what this relationship should look like. . .  We can not and will not experience God's love fully, until we turn our lives over to God, completely and wholly.  That to me, in this time of Covid, means not putting our faith in cloth masks, or in Science, but understanding our lives are in God's hands. His Will be done. Closing churches to prevent deaths only shows a lack of faith in God's plans. It shows how flawed organized religion has become. We have to share in God's kindness, and understand it, before we can share it with others. This kindness isn't about acceptance, or tolerance, it is about learning what God expects from each and everyone of us, and then attempting to live up to those expectations .  The Son of Man is our guide, our big brother, helping find our way back home.

Message Five

Collection

These are paintings which ended up being quite similar, though each was painted at a different time in my career.

The Gospel of Doug: Kindness

    Is kindness inclusion? What if beliefs have to be altered to allow for this inclusion? Does Jesus love everyone with the same intensity, the same love?  In the Gospel Reading I heard today, Jesus compared a Canaanite woman to a dog, did He love her the same as the Israelites He came to save?

    She, the Canaanite woman, was not offended by Jesus, she basically said, "Yes I am a dog, but don't dogs deserve some of your love, Lord . . .even if it is only the leftover scraps of your love."

      Hopefully Christians won't be surprised by the reaction they get from God, and His Son, Jesus Christ, when they have put their lives, and wealth, and even their sexuality, before their love of Jesus Christ. Inclusion,  It isn't kindness, it is probably the most unkind thing that can be done to a person . . .For most of us, in truth, are dogs, begging for scraps we really don't deserve . . . .. .

Message Four

The Gospel of Doug: The Holy Spirit

Matthew 12:31-33 ³¹And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. ³²Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come. ³³"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. This bible scripture always amazed me, it still does. People seem to have no understanding of the Holy Spirit. As the world turns darker and darker, the Spirit seems to almost disappear in the thoughts of many Christians. At times like these, the Holy Spirit should shine around the world brightly. The Holy Spirit is a gift given from God. Giving believers a part God's power. He allows this power to dwell in us, in our souls. It grows along with its power, as we follow His word, and commandments. The Holy Spirit is a weapon against evil, but it is not God's finger on the trigger, it is ours. The choice to use it, is ours. When we decide to unleash the Holy Spirit onto the world, we are releasing the power of God, allowing God into the world, in a way, He can not enter Himself, because of His promise of free will for us, and because of His love for us. We are the only ones with the power to release His Spirit, His Holy Spirit in this way. . . . The Third Message from the Gospel of Doug

The Gospel of Doug: Psalm 147: Trust in God Alone

Gospel of Doug: Psalm 147: Trust in the God Alone

"You either believe in God, or you don't" Marjorie Jensen Polk

  It was once thought, America was thought to be a God fearing nation. The advent of Covid-19 has proven the USA, is not only not a God fearing nation, but a nation filled with unbelievers. One of the basic concepts of Christianity is to place our trust in God, Let His Will be done instead of our own. Jesus asked us to give control of our lives to God, and the principles handed down in the Bible. Salvation exists through Jesus Christ. Yet because of Covid-19 we have ignored these principles and have changed the way we live. All in the hopes of survival. We hide in our houses and behind masks in fear of Covid-19. Covid-19, a disease, seemingly much more powerful than God Himself. powerful enough to shut down houses of worship. God evidently plays little or no part in the survival of this disease. Our lives here on earth, even though every life will eventually end, are much more important than any trust we place in God. 

  Covid-19 also has laid bare the lie that is organized religion. Few Christians realize Christianity is more a philosophy regarding life, than it is an organized religion, based on weekly church service. When I read and ponder the Bible, I suddenly realized the small amount of time Jesus spent in houses of worship, and one of the few times He did, He became seriously upset about how it operated.

  As a practicing Catholic, I was led to believe being in church was one of the few places when I could experience the presence of God. But Covid-19 has shown us, how important the church really truly believes that to be. It isn't important enough to have Mass, if that means two percent of us may die. Even though logically, we all are going to die, sooner or later. I guess dying because you were trying to worship and praise the Lord, isn't a good way to die. A better way to die, is hidden in our homes, behind masks, fearing Covid-19, as if it is Satan, Himself. You either believe in God, or you don't.

Second Message from the Gospel of Doug

The Gospel of Doug

         Many people believe that the "Good News", or Gospel, of Christianity is that God Loves us, and that Jesus loves us.  My own personal view is, while that is good news, it is not the best news available to us as Christians. The best news to me, is the promise that God, and Jesus Christ, will never abandon us, we can only abandon Them. All that is asked of us, is to follow the teachings of God, and Jesus Christ and avoid sin. As long as we attempt to do those things, and do not abandon God or His teachings, He will not abandon us. I base my life on this promise. I don't base my life on God's love, because quite frankly, I am not that lovable.  Jesus may love me, but that doesn't mean he likes me. Reading the Bible, Jesus had a disciple he loved best. So it isn't quite like He loved everyone the same. (I love horses, but there are a few horses I could almost shoot. I don't like them, even though I love horses.)

          It also seems to me, that Christ can only love us, in a meaningful way, when we love Him and his teachings. In today's world, being Christian, tends to mean taking on the role of God. We decide for ourselves how righteous or good something is, or if someone is a sinner. One of the things that I think about is how destructive believers have been towards God and His creation. With the gift of free will we have been tearing down what God was trying to build, since the beginning of time. The Garden of Eden, a beautiful place, God created and established rules which allowed the place to exist. Almost immediately we were defying the rules, and God. The Bible documents this defiance up and to the present day. The thing that blows my mind, is how smug and arrogant we are when we defy and change all of the teachings of God. "Well He didn't really mean that, How could he have meant that? No, what He means is this." If you read the Bible, it is like God predicting this happening, and warning against it, and yet Christians seem blind to the very words and teachings expressed in the Bible. . . .When people say, "What would Jesus Do?" I want to reply, "You don't have a FUCKING clue." Jesus never asks us, to think about what He would do, He TELLS us what he expects us to do. I guess when it comes down to it, I am more comfortable, when I screw up, to remind Jesus of His promise, to not abandon me, then to call attention to the fact, that He loves me, when it is obvious, I don't Love Him enough, or my love isn't perfect enough for me not to have screwed up. 

The First Message  of the Gospel of Doug

     

The view from the edge of sanity

the plan

the world crazy for all to see,

people burn through days,

hoping the future better,

no guarantees,

healthy or ill,

disease uncontrolled throughout the eons,

people sick and die every day,

every hour,

yet this year, 

humanity will hide,

and cover up,

death will not recognize us,

we have masks,

we will hide,

death will not find us,

locked in our houses,

burning through the days.

a couple of new paintings

A couple of new paintings.  Release your mind and look and see what  you can see. 

Recent paintings

My most recent paintings.

A stream from eastern Nebraska.

U bend in the Dismal River

Dismal River 

A couple of poems

Nightly News

David Muir,

thinking the thoughts of junior high,

pretending to be a journalist,

only a pretty boy,

demanding more time on screen,

wherever the story,

whenever the time,

he is ready,

nodding solemnly,

walking in his tight blue jeans,

hair, just right,

living his life in the shallows of the mind,

not sophisticated enough,

even to truly think,

only a tool to be used,

and laughed at behind his back,

a journalist,

he will never be.

Beheaded

little people,

too small for history to acknowledge,

attack the marble and stone,

ignorant acts,

they preach about wrongs,

 past and present,

tearing down statues of this nation's past,

to demand change,

gutless and dependent,

they can not rely on their arguments,

or themselves,

sharing the same mental attitudes of their ancestors,

the ones in actual chains.

yanney park

A couple of paintings from the park southwest of Kearney.

A painting of the creek south of the park.

the bridge over the creek by the canal.

 

Faith and COVID-19

   

During this covid pandemic I some days feel like an orphan. I feel like my nation and my religion have abandoned me, and their faith in God, or at least their belief that prayers can change the world.  Instead we quiver in fear behind locked doors, hoping Science can save us.  I hate this, and it is really hard for me to do. Especially in the winter of my life, it seems I am being asked to lessen my faith, and hide with all the others hiding.  Not wanting to hurt family or friends that is what I have done. But it is hard, damn hard.   I think one of the reasons it is so hard is because I have been blessed to live with a miracle, visible in front of me for these past thirty years . . I am going to share some of these miracles right here.I feel it is important to share these events because they are miracles. They happened, and helped saved a man and a faith, who lives his life on the razor's edge between sin and belief.  And hope and despair.

When my son Ethan was born, it was a difficult birth, he ended up in the natal ICU unit for a number of days. I think close to two weeks. When we had a first appointment after that, the doctor told us, they had done ct scans of Ethan's body because of all the difficulty, and a cyst was discovered on his kidney. The recommendation was to operate as soon as possible.  I wouldn't allow it. I asked for time, the doctor said there was no time. Delaying would only cause more problems, the cyst if cancerous could spread.  I asked the doctor how long could we delay the operation . .Four weeks was the answer. I agreed to that. He asked me, what I was going to do in those four weeks. I said pray, he sneered, good luck with that.   . . . .When we went back in four weeks time, the cyst was gone. The doctor said he didn't understand it, he showed us the x ray with the cyst and the new x ray without the cyst.  He said he couldn't explain it . . .I said prayer . . .then smiled, it is a pretty powerful thing . .He nodded, it must be . . .

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My son Ethan continued to grow, but also continued to have problems. On Sept. 24, 1990 he experienced a grand mal seizure that almost cost him his life. I prayed and prayed, and know I heard God's promise not to abandon us. Ethan survived the seizure and the treatment for the seizure. In dealing with his seizure, the emt's had given him oxygen, and his lungs filled with vomit and fluid etc . . .he had pneumonia and some other problems. We had noticed he couldn't use his left hand, and almost acted like he didn't know it was there. We were repeatedly told it was caused by all the newborn stress he had experienced during his birth. After this seizure, we knew better. We were right, in there had been problems. Ethan underwent an MRI.  It was discovered he had suffered a stroke while in the womb. One of the doctors described the stroke as someone taking a double barreled  shot gun, and putting under Ethan's chin and pulling the triggers. We were told Ethan wouldn't probably live past the age of 5. He would never talk, or walk. I got in a bit of a heated argument with the doctor. A neurologist from Omaha. When I asked him why he was so sure Ethan would never talk, he said come here dad. he showed me images from the MRI. See here dad, this is the area of the brain that controls speech and language . .notice anything, there is a hole, no gray matter, it is only fluid. He will not speak, that area of the brain is gone. He then showed me other areas which were thought to control body movement. As severe as Ethan's cerebral palsy on his left side, he thought Ethan would never walk either. I and Jan pushed, what about sign language or other ways of communicating. Then doctor said, he would not speak, if he was able to speak or sign, he would probably have a vocabulary of 5 to 10 words. The sounds would be more grunts than words. Ethan is now 30. He talks and walks and has an amazing vocabulary. God has not abandoned us. 

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When Ethan was between 10 months and probably 18 months, he had a seizure, unlike any other seizure he had ever had. He was convulsing and suddenly jerked still and stopped breathing. I remember screaming "God" and "No"  "Please No". . .I couldn't get a pulse or feel his breath. I sat back for a second to wipe my eyes, and reached for him to start cpr. I was crying, but just has my hand made contact with him, I felt a jolt of energy, that actually threw me back. Ethan's body jolted and he was breathing again. I ran to the phone and called the doctor, and told him about it, and called the ambulance . . .When we got to the hospital, Ethan checked out fine. The ER doctor told me, that was a type of seizure, the patient doesn't actually stop breathing, it just looks that way. It even fools medical personnel. Ethan would probably have more seizures like that, so just know he is breathing. Ethan never  had another seizure like that. I still believe he stopped breathing, and it was only because God had not abandoned us that he lived that day.

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We started seeing a neurologist in Denver, who was highly thought of worldwide. We felt lucky to get an appointment to see him. He asked that we send E's file ahead of our visit, so he could review it before our visit. When I came into the appointment, I was holding Ethan, he was 2 or 3. I introduced myself, Jan had let us out, and was parking the car. I said my wife would be in shortly. She arrived almost as I said that . . .He looked at us puzzled, and said, "Where is Ethan?" I said this is Ethan, lifting him for the doctor to see.  The doctor sat down, and turned his back to us, and looked out the window. When he turned back around and started talking, he had difficulty, there were even a few tears . . .He said looking at Ethan's file, he thought Ethan would be blind, and in a wheelchair with shunts and oxygen. I don't think you folks know what a miracle you have there. Meeting Ethan, by the end of the appointment, the doctor was laughing and hugging Ethan.  It was the first and last time, that a doctor, thanked us for letting him treat Ethan. He said, in his practice so often it was hopelessness and pain, but to see a miracle like Ethan, it reminded him that there is a Loving God, and miracles do exist.

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I think part of the reason this time is so difficult for me, is because I see the fear, and I see good people living in fear. In my prayers and faith, I gave my life, and Ethan's life over to God.  I know God will not abandon us, as long as we don't abandon Him, so we have nothing to fear, but this time in history seems so lacking in faith . . .so I am going to end this with another story of faith, regarding my mother.  I have 6 siblings by the way . .5 older and 1 younger.

As I get older and older, and closer to the end of my life, than to the beginning, I realize there are hundreds if not thousands of family stories I should write down and pass on. So I have decided to try to pass some on.

Believe

      Ethan was listening to a CD  (Texas Tenors) this past Christmas Season, and it had a song on it from the movie "Polar Express" entitled "Believe".  For some reason it sparked this memory and story about Mom and her beliefs.

            I, once again, had something physically wrong with me, and Dad was trying to talk me into allowing him to perform one of his wonderful cures. This time I was determined to stand my ground, and told him I thought I would go see Dr. Seng about whatever the problem was. I remember Dad sneered at me and said, "You know if Dr. Seng had gotten his way, you wouldn't even be here."  Then more to himself, than to me, he said, he was sure proud of Mom standing up to Dr. Seng.

             I asked Mom about it, and she said, "Oh, Dr. Seng, said I shouldn't get pregnant again after I had John."  Then she started talking about Paul, and how the doctors thought he was twins, and how hard it had been on her. I said, "Then you had me, and Dan." Mom laughed and said yep, and Dr. Seng had told me it would probably kill me to have any more kids after Paul. I was a bit shocked, and confused, I said, "Mom, why would you do that?" "Risk your life like that?"   

           Mom gave me the look, the look that said, it is so disappointing and sad, you are such a dumb ass . .(I got that look lots by the way)  and said, "It really is simple Doug, you either believe in God, or you don't."  Well this answer was not satisfying to me, and I continued to pester her, and she added this. "Whatever happens in my life, I know Jesus Christ will never abandon me, He promised.  But we can abandon Him, and it is like I said, it is simple, you either believe in God, or you don't."

             Having battled the question why, for my child,  my own health problems, and all the hard to accept events which happen in a life time, I have been blessed to have been able to lean on these two lessons from Mom.  You either believe in God, or don't, and Jesus will never abandon me, as long as I don't abandon him. All I have to do is believe. . . .

people paintings

These are paintings of people which I have done over the last few years.

This one is entitled, "In Thanksgiving"

the Working Man

worms

the bear tamer

the pirate

the couple

Memorial Day Post

A few photos in honor of Memorial Day 2020.

These first photos were of my mother and dad on their wedding day. Dad was just back from 3 1/2 years fighting in the Pacific during World War II

This painting is from a photograph my wife took of the flag flying over the Pearl Harbor Museum when she visited Hawaii.

This photo is in the Oshkosh Catholic Cemetery on of the last memorial days I visited the cemetery. the gravestone isn't of my family's . .it was just one which caught my eye while I was at the cemetery.

This was the photo of my Dad once he became a marine. Notice the youth in his face compared to his wedding photo. He had grown up and been through lots during the war.

recent landscapes

All of these paintings were done in the last week. This first is of cat tail's or willows  at sunrise.

This is a a famous rock formation in Nebraska, Chimney Rock, though the chimney is about gone.

this was of a waterfall up in Northern Nebraska.

This was a stream up that way also.