Poet and Artist:Douglas Polk: June 2020

Nightly News

David Muir,

thinking the thoughts of junior high,

pretending to be a journalist,

only a pretty boy,

demanding more time on screen,

wherever the story,

whenever the time,

he is ready,

nodding solemnly,

walking in his tight blue jeans,

hair, just right,

living his life in the shallows of the mind,

not sophisticated enough,

even to truly think,

only a tool to be used,

and laughed at behind his back,

a journalist,

he will never be.

Beheaded

little people,

too small for history to acknowledge,

attack the marble and stone,

ignorant acts,

they preach about wrongs,

past and present,

tearing down statues of this nation's past,

to demand change,

gutless and dependent,

they can not rely on their arguments,

or themselves,

sharing the same mental attitudes of their ancestors,

the ones in actual chains.

During this covid pandemic I some days feel like an orphan. I feel like my nation and my religion have abandoned me, and their faith in God, or at least their belief that prayers can change the world. Instead we quiver in fear behind locked doors, hoping Science can save us. I hate this, and it is really hard for me to do. Especially in the winter of my life, it seems I am being asked to lessen my faith, and hide with all the others hiding. Not wanting to hurt family or friends that is what I have done. But it is hard, damn hard. I think one of the reasons it is so hard is because I have been blessed to live with a miracle, visible in front of me for these past thirty years . . I am going to share some of these miracles right here.I feel it is important to share these events because they are miracles. They happened, and helped saved a man and a faith, who lives his life on the razor's edge between sin and belief. And hope and despair.

When my son Ethan was born, it was a difficult birth, he ended up in the natal ICU unit for a number of days. I think close to two weeks. When we had a first appointment after that, the doctor told us, they had done ct scans of Ethan's body because of all the difficulty, and a cyst was discovered on his kidney. The recommendation was to operate as soon as possible. I wouldn't allow it. I asked for time, the doctor said there was no time. Delaying would only cause more problems, the cyst if cancerous could spread. I asked the doctor how long could we delay the operation . .Four weeks was the answer. I agreed to that. He asked me, what I was going to do in those four weeks. I said pray, he sneered, good luck with that. . . . .When we went back in four weeks time, the cyst was gone. The doctor said he didn't understand it, he showed us the x ray with the cyst and the new x ray without the cyst. He said he couldn't explain it . . .I said prayer . . .then smiled, it is a pretty powerful thing . .He nodded, it must be . . .

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My son Ethan continued to grow, but also continued to have problems. On Sept. 24, 1990 he experienced a grand mal seizure that almost cost him his life. I prayed and prayed, and know I heard God's promise not to abandon us. Ethan survived the seizure and the treatment for the seizure. In dealing with his seizure, the emt's had given him oxygen, and his lungs filled with vomit and fluid etc . . .he had pneumonia and some other problems. We had noticed he couldn't use his left hand, and almost acted like he didn't know it was there. We were repeatedly told it was caused by all the newborn stress he had experienced during his birth. After this seizure, we knew better. We were right, in there had been problems. Ethan underwent an MRI. It was discovered he had suffered a stroke while in the womb. One of the doctors described the stroke as someone taking a double barreled shot gun, and putting under Ethan's chin and pulling the triggers. We were told Ethan wouldn't probably live past the age of 5. He would never talk, or walk. I got in a bit of a heated argument with the doctor. A neurologist from Omaha. When I asked him why he was so sure Ethan would never talk, he said come here dad. he showed me images from the MRI. See here dad, this is the area of the brain that controls speech and language . .notice anything, there is a hole, no gray matter, it is only fluid. He will not speak, that area of the brain is gone. He then showed me other areas which were thought to control body movement. As severe as Ethan's cerebral palsy on his left side, he thought Ethan would never walk either. I and Jan pushed, what about sign language or other ways of communicating. Then doctor said, he would not speak, if he was able to speak or sign, he would probably have a vocabulary of 5 to 10 words. The sounds would be more grunts than words. Ethan is now 30. He talks and walks and has an amazing vocabulary. God has not abandoned us.

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When Ethan was between 10 months and probably 18 months, he had a seizure, unlike any other seizure he had ever had. He was convulsing and suddenly jerked still and stopped breathing. I remember screaming "God" and "No" "Please No". . .I couldn't get a pulse or feel his breath. I sat back for a second to wipe my eyes, and reached for him to start cpr. I was crying, but just has my hand made contact with him, I felt a jolt of energy, that actually threw me back. Ethan's body jolted and he was breathing again. I ran to the phone and called the doctor, and told him about it, and called the ambulance . . .When we got to the hospital, Ethan checked out fine. The ER doctor told me, that was a type of seizure, the patient doesn't actually stop breathing, it just looks that way. It even fools medical personnel. Ethan would probably have more seizures like that, so just know he is breathing. Ethan never had another seizure like that. I still believe he stopped breathing, and it was only because God had not abandoned us that he lived that day.

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We started seeing a neurologist in Denver, who was highly thought of worldwide. We felt lucky to get an appointment to see him. He asked that we send E's file ahead of our visit, so he could review it before our visit. When I came into the appointment, I was holding Ethan, he was 2 or 3. I introduced myself, Jan had let us out, and was parking the car. I said my wife would be in shortly. She arrived almost as I said that . . .He looked at us puzzled, and said, "Where is Ethan?" I said this is Ethan, lifting him for the doctor to see. The doctor sat down, and turned his back to us, and looked out the window. When he turned back around and started talking, he had difficulty, there were even a few tears . . .He said looking at Ethan's file, he thought Ethan would be blind, and in a wheelchair with shunts and oxygen. I don't think you folks know what a miracle you have there. Meeting Ethan, by the end of the appointment, the doctor was laughing and hugging Ethan. It was the first and last time, that a doctor, thanked us for letting him treat Ethan. He said, in his practice so often it was hopelessness and pain, but to see a miracle like Ethan, it reminded him that there is a Loving God, and miracles do exist.

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I think part of the reason this time is so difficult for me, is because I see the fear, and I see good people living in fear. In my prayers and faith, I gave my life, and Ethan's life over to God. I know God will not abandon us, as long as we don't abandon Him, so we have nothing to fear, but this time in history seems so lacking in faith . . .so I am going to end this with another story of faith, regarding my mother. I have 6 siblings by the way . .5 older and 1 younger.

As I get older and older, and closer to the end of my life, than to the beginning, I realize there are hundreds if not thousands of family stories I should write down and pass on. So I have decided to try to pass some on.

Believe

Ethan was listening to a CD (Texas Tenors) this past Christmas Season, and it had a song on it from the movie "Polar Express" entitled "Believe". For some reason it sparked this memory and story about Mom and her beliefs.

I, once again, had something physically wrong with me, and Dad was trying to talk me into allowing him to perform one of his wonderful cures. This time I was determined to stand my ground, and told him I thought I would go see Dr. Seng about whatever the problem was. I remember Dad sneered at me and said, "You know if Dr. Seng had gotten his way, you wouldn't even be here." Then more to himself, than to me, he said, he was sure proud of Mom standing up to Dr. Seng.

I asked Mom about it, and she said, "Oh, Dr. Seng, said I shouldn't get pregnant again after I had John." Then she started talking about Paul, and how the doctors thought he was twins, and how hard it had been on her. I said, "Then you had me, and Dan." Mom laughed and said yep, and Dr. Seng had told me it would probably kill me to have any more kids after Paul. I was a bit shocked, and confused, I said, "Mom, why would you do that?" "Risk your life like that?"

Mom gave me the look, the look that said, it is so disappointing and sad, you are such a dumb ass . .(I got that look lots by the way) and said, "It really is simple Doug, you either believe in God, or you don't." Well this answer was not satisfying to me, and I continued to pester her, and she added this. "Whatever happens in my life, I know Jesus Christ will never abandon me, He promised. But we can abandon Him, and it is like I said, it is simple, you either believe in God, or you don't."

Having battled the question why, for my child, my own health problems, and all the hard to accept events which happen in a life time, I have been blessed to have been able to lean on these two lessons from Mom. You either believe in God, or don't, and Jesus will never abandon me, as long as I don't abandon him. All I have to do is believe. . . .